Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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