I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
