Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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