I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
