Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
