god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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