So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
