I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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