I'm going to jail i love you
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
