i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
