You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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