Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
