You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have fence marks all over my body
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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