So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
