I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
