I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
