I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
