rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
