He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
