she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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