so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
