I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
