I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
