two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
