I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
