I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
