rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
