I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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