My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
