I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
