i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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