I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
