Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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