i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
