I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
