Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
