I can text with my tongue
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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