there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
