Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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