Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
