I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
