I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
