Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
last night I used snow as a chaser
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
