so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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