New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
