I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
