I have demons in me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
