There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
