Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
