Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
